Added: Ramey Tibbitts - Date: 29.08.2021 23:31 - Views: 19991 - Clicks: 5545
By the time you and your ificant other have gotten serious enough to a certificate, you might assume that you know everything about each other. Yet, we contain multitudes, and there are still many topics couples should talk about—but often neglect to—until the walk down the aisle is long behind them.
Ask the right questions before marriage, and you'll likely uncover needs, dreams, and expectations for your life together that you hadn't considered.
Emily Jamea, PhD, a Texas-based sex and relationship therapist, says that plenty of well-meaning couples don't know what to talk about before getting engaged. Though your goals and preferences will shift over time, answering a kind of pre-engagement questionnaire now can save you some future conflicts, she says. Or, the questions will at least prepare you to effectively resolve them together. Therapist Erin Wiley, MA, agrees.
Most of the couples I see for therapy come in with problems that have been brewing for years," she says. From where you'll spend the holidaysto how you'll allocate your money, here are 25 important questions to ask before marriage, according to experts. Why marriage? Strong romantic feelings shouldn't be the only reason we marry someone," Wiley explains. And to your life as an individual? How do you handle change and the unexpected?
How well do we currently handle disagreements with each other? Or, so terrified of disagreements that you never mention what upsets you, and runs away from conflict in a fight?
These are problematic patterns that should be worked out before marriage," says Wiley. How much do you value time together, versus time apart? Will one of you expect to do everything together as a married unit, while the other needs a lot of me-time? Is your parent's marriage part of your inspiration to marry? And if not, why is that? Do you want kids? Your answers might change over the years, but it's still important to touch base on now. What if we're not able to have biological children? How would you want to deal with fertility issues? What if you have a miscarriage?
And what are your feelings on in vitro fertilization, or adopting ? How do you see kids fitting into our life? That can create a lot of strain for couples. How will you handle it if we drift apart? Work, kids, and life in general will distract you from the "couple" part of being a couple at times. And, how will you reconnect? How do you expect to cope with our sexual ebbs and flows? This is a more productive question to ask than "how often will we have sex?
This may open the door to sharing your views on masturbationpornography, or even the idea of consensual non-monogamy such as an open marriage. How do you imagine spending the holidays? Is one of you picturing every Christmas at your parents' house, while the other's dreaming of a Disney trip?
If you're serious enough to think about marriage, you've probably settled on an agreement currently—but one of you may Talk to me married for that should change after marriage, particularly if you have. If taking an annual vacation is a priority, for example, know that you'll both need to budget for that expense in the future. Do you want to save a lot early on, or save up in bursts for things like a vacation or a new TV?
One of you may assume you'll be house hunting as newlyweds, while the other's picturing frequent travel and nice meals out instead. Do you want separate bank s, or to share all assets? Every married couple's financial agreement is unique to their relationship. Do we agree on the division of labor in our house? Who does the chores, and how often, is a perpetual issue that Wiley hears from clients. She recommends parsing who'll be responsible for tasks like bookkeeping, cooking, laundry, and yard work as early as possible.
When do you feel the most loved by me? Examples include, "When you make me lunch," or "when you give me a big hug. How do you express love? Taking the love languages test may help you find the language to explain it. When do you feel unsafe sharing your feelings with me? When you reflect back on your childhood, what memories bring the most joy? Which bring the most pain? For instance, conflict or misunderstanding may emerge if one person comes from a family where birthdays and holidays were a big source of joy, while the other associates those occasions with unhappy memories.
Do we appropriately respect any religious, spiritual, or political differences between us? Couples don't need to be in complete agreement about everything. But Wiley says you will need to find a way to respect each other's differing beliefs, and identify what you do need to agree on.
Do you agree on political issues? And how important is it to you to align your belief systems? Whose career would take precedence, if it became necessary? One of you may get a job offer requiring a cross-country move. Or the loss of childcare may require one parent to step away from work, as many families have experienced in the Covid pandemic.
Do either of us have any major secrets we haven't yet shared? Whether some secrets are meant to be kept is for you and your partner to decide, but you're risking them finding out later. Are you committed to counseling, if and when we need it? While you're in that pre-engagement glow, agree on a plan for what to do if things get rocky down the road. Your Best Life. Type keyword s to search. Tetra Images Getty Images. Related Stories. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
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